8.24.2004

Depend on a Shock

It's very, very rare that an TV commercial can come entirely out of left field and wallop me across the face. By and large, I can accurately guess the direction of a spot within the first five seconds.

Picture, though, this little tickler:

A lady in her sixties, looking faux-energetic, beside a convertible talking about taking a road trip with her girlfriend.

Man, more diabetes paraphernalia, I thought, bathed in naivete.

But, no.

The ad continued, mentioning something about an active lifestyle. Cholesterol medication!

Not quite.

Finally, the ad's star gushes, "I use Depend Underwear!"

Whoa, Molly.

Never saw that one coming. Depend, of course, is a brand of adult diaper. Naturally, this old broad never made use of the word "diaper," but here at Ad hominem, we call a spade a spade.

I didn't know Depend advertised. I thought it was one of those things that everyone knew about but had the discretion not to mention. Like an extra-martital affair or some cookie dough caught in the direct path of a sneeze.

In any case, my innocence is lost to me. What the internet and pop culture could not take has been shattered by some old grandma wearing a diaper.

The Lexus Golden Opportunity Sales Event

Lexus ads don't stick out in my memory as particularly bothersome.

They also don't stick out as particularly genius.

Their marketing may have turned a corner. Recently I've had the pleasure of the spots trumpeting their "Golden Opportunity Sales Event" promotion. Each spot features an unlikely person proposing an even unlikelier business opportunity to a potential investor.

One spot seems to depict Las Vegas "founder" Bugsy Siegel, pitching the idea of swimming pools, resorts, and drive-up wedding chapels to another mob boss in the middle of a sandy desert. Another may portray Federal Express founder and then-Yale undergrad Frederick W. Smith, who proposes an overnight package shipping service to his professor. The last features Will Keith Kellogg, delicately presenting his "corn-flakes" to a board of suits.

Of course, all of these ideas are shot down, at which point Lexus swoops in and makes their point about not missing golden opportunities. This little campaign epitomizes what I look for in good advertising. Quick, simple, effective. It's a language, you know? Eloquence and persuasiveness go much further than brutish diction and unsupported assertions.

8.23.2004

Winn Dixie

I try not to discuss regional marketing or entities -- I'd just be leaving out too much of my audience who live outside the region. It's limited enough as it is -- only those in North America can really get any take-away from this blog.

I'll make an exception in this case simply because my comments have more to do with business than advertising.

I saw a Winn Dixie ad the other day. Their slogan is "The real deal." Which is stupid, because at least their previous slogan "The beef people" was something that could be partially construed as true.

Winn Dixie has been in the news for its recent losses as a grocery retailer. It's closing some stores and distribution centers, quickly being marginalized by competitors who can offer "real deals" on food and other products.

There's a Winn Dixie two minutes from my apartment. Wal-Mart is 15 minutes away.

The funny thing is, my spending 13 extra minutes each way, I end up saving at least thirty dollars on my average grocery stock-up trip.

I shit you not.

Thirty dollars is a big deal to college students. That thirty dollars is immediately reinvested in more food, so as to keep myself nourished.

I will shed not a tear when Winn Dixie is eventually engulfed in its own debts. It's a wretched store. It's impossible shop there quickly. Even with their shoddy self-checkout lines, one can easily expect a ten minute wait to pay for whatever overpriced dreck one has chosen to buy there, no matter the time.

The sad thing in this little mess is the employees drawing paychecks and the small businesses that congregate around Winn Dixie stores hoping to siphon off their business. Across the street from my Winn Dixie is a ghost shopping center, populated more and more by vagrants and debris. The Winn Dixie plaza is sure to suffer a similar fate.

Say. Holler for managerial incompetence.

8.21.2004

WiFi @ Best Buy

You know that Best Buy ad where the marionette puppet walks into the store and gets a hard-on when he learns about their wireless internet gadgets?

You know, the one that was cute for the first five times but now makes you wretch with fury each time you see it? Or maybe that's just me.

In any case, I really wish they would make it go away. Particularly now that they're slapping on additional advertising to the end of the spot. I can't stand when ads get repurposed long after they've gone stale. It's classless. It's the equivalent of wearing the same fetid clothing every day for a week -- except for changing your hat each morning.

800-CALL-ATT

When is AT&T going to cut out this Carrot Top shit?

I'm not going to gratify these ads with a description here. Most everyone has seen these at least once in the last two or so years.

It's not that Carrot Top isn't funny. He's actually, by all accounts, a pretty darn good comedian. He comes across as an obnoxious ass on television, but those who see his Vegas show hold it in amusing regard.

It's just that these ads, which are painfully trying to be funny, are hitting nowhere near the mark. Honestly, it's a losing battle. 800-CALL-ATT is awkward to remember. When people get stuck in the situation that requires them to make a collect call, you know what they're going to do? They're going to remember MCI's 1-800-COLLECT because that's just easy and requires very little thought and recollection.

AT&T should save its money and just shoot some video of a whiteboard with their little collect number scrawled on it. Better use of my time.

8.20.2004

Ameritrade

Stewart is back!

During the dot-com boom era, electronic stock trading companies were big business. Along with this big business came big advertising. A favorite was for Ameritrade, an online broker whose ads featured a red-haired fellow named Stewart. Though he was a consummate slacker, Stewart's technical skill was unimpeachable. The early Ameritrade ads featured Stewart guiding his boss, "Mr. P," through the simple and fun process of investing in securities over the internet.

This campaign was wildly successful, with Bill Clinton's 2000 White House Press Dinner short movie featuring a brief spoof on the ads featuring Stewart himself.

The best news I've had since power came back came to me in a new Ameritrade ad this afteroon.

Stewart and Mr. P are back!

Today, the student surpassed the master, as Mr. P taught Stewart about an all new investing service offered by the brokerage. Stewart was duly impressed.

It's easy to screw up an ad like this, but I found it enjoyable. It was like meeting up with old friends, seeing such a happy reminder of our days of dot-com innocence.

Thanks, Ameritrade.

8.19.2004

Geico, redux

I'm going to have to retract a little of my irritation with Geico.

Over the powerless weekend, I was using my battery powered radio as sole means of entertainment. I heard an ad that went something like this, regarding a mattress factory.

"No payments, no interest until 2017!"

My interest was piqued. I need a new mattress. Mine really hurts my back and shoulders. The ad continued about the wildly low mattress prices.

"How can we offer such low prices? Someone who shall remain nameless ordered way too much inventory! But now you can save money thanks to our incompetence!"

I grinned. Heh. I was about time they developed a sense of humor about these sorts of sales ads.

"But, I do have some good news," the boisterous announcer continued to boom. "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico."

I paused.

Huh?

Man, finally someone lampooning those stupid Geico ads. Wait, can they do that for commercial purposes?


As I began to scratch my head, the signature Geico music came up on the radio.

Fuck.

I'd been had!

Fine. Kudos, Geico. You got me.

8.18.2004

Priceline

Initially, I sort of liked the Priceline ad where the inimitable William Shatner is, to his chagrine, replaced by Leonard Nimoy, his longtime Star Trek co-star.

I'm a trekkie, I'll admit it. I also really like both actors.

It's getting a little stale, though. In recent weeks, the fitional brinksmanship between the two talents has become a little blah. So blah that I don't even have the energy to discuss it here. If you've seen the ads, though, you know what I mean.

Blogger Bar

Thank you ever so much to the folks at Google and Blogger, who recently decided to drop the super ugly AdWords bar on the top of Blogspot hosted blogs. The replacement Blogger Bar is much more sexy and matches my template. Bravo, for again making the best free blog service ever.

Excellence

Since I started this blog, I've been hearing the same general query from people I know:

"You realize advertisements are meant to sell products, right?"

And the answer, naturally, is yes. The point to critiquing advertisements has less to do with my desire for entertainment than it does my desire for excellence.

For a great many companies, television advertisements leave the first and most lasting impressions of their brand on buyers. Why have excellent advertising? Well, the same reason you demand excellence from any other portion of your image. The greatest professional axiom I've heard decries that in order to attain success, one most project the image of success.

The "awesome commercial" is a rare breed of advertisment. It conveys an image of the company presenting it which is favorable, sometimes chic, sometimes cutting edge, sometimes amusing. When you do your TV spots well, people remember you and your product fondly.

The converse, of course, is that advertising which is particularly horrendous and grating compels viewers to switch the channel, turn off the television or at the very least, hit the mute button. If advertising gets to the point where potential buyers are so harassed by its mediocrity that they refuse even to endure it, the promotional message is lost and wasted.

The trick, then, is to make people want to watch your ads. There is much fuss about TiVo killing advertising as we know it. This is utter bullshit. TiVo lets people do what they've been doing anyway, only with greater flair. Some people love to watch ads. But only the good ones. A friend of mine mentioned just the other day, in response to my blog on Office Max, that he often watches the Rubber Band Man spot three or four times every time it comes up on his TiVo.

This is seduction. When you craft an ad that is so good that people actively search for and enjoy it, either on their PVR or on the web, you've done exactly what your client has always needed. You've put their brand in demand.

There are good ads, bad ads and excellent ads. This blog exists because the contrast between the three creates an at times unexpected passion in the victims of the marketing shootout.

We have a right expect and demand excellence in all that we consume. Advertisers who fail to provide excellence do so at their peril.

8.16.2004

Charlie Footage

Here's some video of Charley I shot on Friday. Really wild weather.

You'll need QuickTime.

Oh, and those who asked, I'm doing fine. Electricity is still spotty, so I have to borrow it from others, but I made out okay. The ones to pity are those hardest hit on the west coast of Florida. Prayers be with them.

UPDATE
Link fixed.

8.15.2004

Charley

If you don't mind my getting a little extra-curricular, I'll tell you a bit about my meeting with Hurricane Charley this weekend.

Friday started off normally enough, with just a little rain, which is normal enough for Central Florida. My Fiancee, Ashley, was getting a little nervous -- or a little excited -- by the early afternoon. It was premature, though. The fun wouldn't start until evening.

When Charley made landfall in the southwest of Florida, the reality of the storm began to set in. The images of destruction being brought to us by the news networks were dramatic. Roofing was torn from structures, storm surges began flooding properties. My mother, in hard-hit Port Charlotte, was hiding in a bathroom with all her animals. It had begun.

As calm surrounded Orlando, the anticipation began to mount. I, the annoying film student I am, brought out the camera and stood by for the excitement. On the news, weather men were offering projected paths of the storm. Charley was coming right at me.

When the storm began, it didn't seem that much worse than your average Florida rain. Wind whipped the trees, ran slapped the windows. In the apartment building adjacent to my own, rambunxious college students were challenging the storm in vulgar terms.

Gradually, though, it became clear that this was no ordinary rain storm. Highway security camera footage depicted Interstate 4, usually packed with cars during early evening, nearly deserted. The trees began to dance a wild rhythm, much more perturbed than during previous weather disturbances.

Stepping outside, protected behind my poncho, I watched the drama with my video camera. In the distance, the sky lit up with green blooms. It was reminiscent of war movies where innocennt little towns were subjected to cruel and desctructive air raids.

On the news, I learned the blooms were not lightning. All around me, power distribution systems were self-destructing. Transformers, the ugly grey canisters often seen strapped to power lines, were arcing and exploding, taking with them the needed lifeblood of industrial society.

Lights began to dim. First far away, then closer. The revelling college students were suddenly silent as their building fell dark. My own building was next.

Cowering in a hallway, away from windows and doors, Ashley and I could hear the frame of the building creaking. Windows rattled and whistled. We gritted our teeth, hoping the protective constructions in our roof would hold. The rain continued to spatter.

Much more suddenly than it began, the rain and wind stopped. It was eery -- the famed "eye of the storm." Listening to the radio, the few callers still with phone service reported damage and described their own hurricane experiences.

With no warning at all, the abuse began anew. For an intdeterminable period, Charley finished ravaging my little suburb.

It's hard to say when the storm ended. There was a period when it was rockin' and then one where it wasn't.

Wandering outside, I met new neighbors out surveying the damage, drinking, and having a good time meeting people. Without television to keep them company, it seemed, people became a lot more friendly.

Against the advice of the news media, I went with my little lady for a car ride. Without electricity, driving through the populous Orlando was like crusing the desert. All around, darkness bathed the streets and businesses that usually lit the way in a cheerful tone of commerce.

On the way home, we passed a business in the process of being looted. Dark figures, sillhouted by headlights, broke plate glass windows trying with gusto to buglarize some poor independent business. Orange County, where I live, had imposed a curfew to prevent just such issues. Luckily, a Deputy Sheriff was driving by. I signalled him and sent him back toward the scene of the crime.

As we returned, the looting left a lasting impression. The figures outside my apartment, before friendly faces enjoying a brisk evening, became potential thieves or murderers. In a feeble attempt at reassuring my safety, I slipped a butcher's knife beneath my mattress. Just in case.

The next day, electricity continued to fail to flow. Water resumed, but no heat. There was plenty of heat outside, however. Without electricity to power our A/C, the Amish-style boredom was made painful by Florida humidity.

Over the course of the day, though, I realized life would continue. On the radio were reports of utility truck convoys, thirty vehicles long. Governor Bush assured us that utility support would continue to flow, with several southern states sending us help.

Our local Friday's was serving food and our local Wal-Mart, happily, was doing brisk, air-conditioned business. Reassured by the creeping return of civilization, I slept my second night without power without much fear.

My sincerest thanks to everyone involved in Florida's recovery effort, particularly the linemen and tree cutters sent to us by Georgia, South Carolina, et al.

Can't wait for power!

8.12.2004

AFLAC

I have a curious affection for all variety of waterfowl, including the lovable duck.

It will come as no surprise, then, that I have always enjoyed AFLAC ads.

I mean, that AFLAC duck is awesome.

That is all.

Charley

As you can see from the below graphic, I'm right in the path of Hurricane Charley. Which means that I might lose electricity. Which would then mean I couldn't watch TV. Or Blog.



Map courtesy The Weather Channel.

Nascar on TNT

I was watching The X-Files on TNT the other day with the missus and noticed something really, really lame.

Mulder and Scully were discussing something fairly important in hushed tones. It was an essential plot development moment.

SCREECH!

Then, from nowhere, this obtrusive, ugly NASCAR graphic pops into the frame, complete with tire squeal sound effects.

I gritted my teeth, hoping it would die down and be silent so I could hear what the hell was going on.

I was a fool to hope.

Next came a swarm of NASCAR-uniformed auto mechanics. Carrying tools.

"No, no, no..." went my mind, straining to hear Scully's explanation of some important plot point over the ruckus made by the mechanics' tools. Finally, the scene changed and the ad went away.

And I had no fucking idea what was going on.

I can't convey how unconscionably stupid this little promotion tactic is. In this age of TiVo, it's becoming more and more necessary for the networks to find some way to make their viewers look at annoying crap that no one wants to see. It's normally bad enough when a huge graphic advertising some damned miniseries obscures, say, a newspaper clipping or calendar or some other important item intended to convey information about a developing story. When we cross into the realm of obscuring an actor's voice, though, I start getting really pissed.

I hope those responsible for this travesty die painfully, as an example to others who would follow in their path of folly.

TBS: Not very funny

I've been seeing a little of TBS lately, for reasons I can't remember. I think I wanted to know if Sex and the City was still watchable without the frontal nudity or explicit language.

One thing I've noticed is that they're taking a full sixty seconds to do some of their station ID's. I guess TBS is trying to position itself as your one-stop shop for primetime comedy.

These sixty second self-indulgences depict an ultra-futuristic, ultra-white, ultra-clean call center labeled "TBS" wherein operators answer calls from people who want to know if something they just witnessed was funny.

I'm not kidding.

For sixty seconds, you're listening to two people completely picking apart some random occurance to determine its value in humor. Detail by excruciating detail, callers explain their encounters as rapt operators carefully enter data on their computers.

Here's what the people who wrote these spots don't seem to understand...

WHEN YOU EXPLAIN A JOKE, IT CEASES TO BE FUNNY.

Yet, here is the kicker:

These callers wait for the verdict from the operators before they laugh.

I don't even know what else to say.

8.11.2004

Office Max

A few months back, there was a pretty peppy but otherwise enjoyable ad for Office Max, sporting the song Rubber Band Man, by the Spinners. It featured an afroed supply guru pushing a cart replete with office consumables cheerfully through a corporate workspace. In the midst of office crises, this Rubber Band Man was there just in time with organizational tools, cleaning goodies and other fun stuff. It was a smile-inducing.

There is good news. The Rubber Band Man is back. He's snuck out of the office though and keeps popping out of nowhere to deliver useful school supplies to summering kids. Office Max takes this opportunity to, apologetically, remind would-be students that school is back. The ad ends with our hero closing the doors of a school bus.

I love the actor they've chosen for these ads -- he manages to convey a sense of the upbeat that fails to be obnoxious or otherwise grating. The song rocks, too. Sometimes ads really manage to get it right.

UPDATE:

Check out these spots. Flash required.

8.10.2004

FedEx Kinko's

FedEx ads have never, ever sucked. They've always been informative on one hand and really enjoyable on the other. I've lost count of the FedEx ads I've declared as favorites over the years -- so many new and funny ones come and take their place that it's impossible to keep track.

Kinko's has also pleased me with their advertising repertoire. Sometimes funny, sometimes simple, always tasteful. Nothing wrong with Kinko's.

To combine these two entities and the dramatic advertising image competence they exude like overstuffed sandwiches seems impossible, unthinkable, orgasmically perfect. Hell, to combine these two businesses would be awesome, too. Who doesn't love FedEx or Kinko's?

Yet, this combination, this blissful union of document printing and expedited delivery, it is real. Created to take on the loathesome, corpulent, overpriced, bankers-hours-keeping incompetence of the UPS Store, Fedex Kinko's is your home for every single office-related need that you can't handle on your own. No longer do you have to wait for the two hour window during which the UPS Store is open. Now you can choose a 24-hour utopia from which to distribute your neo-nazi-feminist propaganda. They'll even help you reproduce it on crisp, clean, sand-colored 80 pound stock.

The FedEx Kinko's ads defy the usual, cursory synopsis I give to the commercials I talk about here. However, since FedEx has something to be proud of, they're actually posting these on the web, unlike the stinking piles of video refuse previous posts have touched on. "Welcome Aboard" is the best.

Enjoy.

8.09.2004

Ditech.com

Now, we'll all agree that good things like pie are very nice to eat. Very tasty and satisfying. People will also agree that despite the goodness of pie, it would be ill-advised to eat a slice every ten minutes. Every day. For months.

Why, you would get obese. You would get sick from filling your tummy beyond capacity. This delicious pie would cease to be delicious. You would fail to love pie after only a few servings.

So, then, imagine if you were forced to consume, with the same regularity, something that was neither delicious nor enjoyable. Something, in fact, that raised the bile in your chest. Something that made the scorching, foul acid of your stomach splash in the back of your throat with every bite.

Now you understand my relationship with Ditech.com. Their ads are deplorable not only for their utter lack of inspiration and creativity, but also for the fact that they look as though they were shot using my mother's ancient VHS camcorder. My film elitism is a subject for another day, but the fact remains that ads shot on video look like amateur dog vomit.

This is all bad enough. The worst part is that this advertising of ipecac is dripped down my throat every other commercial break.

I'm not even going to comment on their use of a NASCAR driver as spokesman.

8.08.2004

I'm Not Lovin' It

I hate McDonald's ads. I always have. They're such contemptible bullshit.

But I think that Maddox can explain a bit more effectively than I can.

Cable's Gift to America

I recently learned that C-SPAN, the cable channel dedicated to televising congressional business, turns 25 this year.

Several spots highlight this on the various cable channels. People from many varied walks of life gush synthetically about their love of... C-SPAN. The ads end by calling C-SPAN "Cable's gift to America."

You know, I consider myself a pretty literate and informed individual. Few of my friends are, but still. I had no idea anyone watched C-SPAN.

8.07.2004

Dairy Queen

There are few creations on earth that have earned my complete and life-altering disdain. Members of this exclusive excrement club include Richard Simmons exercise videos and all those made-for-cable movies on Lifetime.

There's also Dairy Queen ads.

Few things can be accomplished in a mere thirty seconds to inspire my seething, murderous rage. Showing me a Dairy Queen ad, from any period in the last fifteen years, will do the trick.

I've never seen an ad that was creative or remotely enjoyable representing the contemptible Texas Stopsign that is that obnoxious Dairy Queen logo.

When I was a boy, Dennis the Menace and his assclown associates were the DQ poster children. Quite literally. He and his cronies were all over the in-store signage. The irrelevance of Dennis the Menace to softserve ice cream coupled with the overall shoddiness of their food products caused me much consternation.

Enough! I could fill a Sunday newspaper with charges of banality and criminal stupidity in response to the ads I've seen for DQ in my brief and afflicted life.

Instead, though, a screed about their most recent abomination.

A guy wants to enjoy some brownie batter. He shoves his tongue lasciviously into some electric beater blades.

And somehow manages to activate the device.

Shrieking ensues. For about ten seconds.

Wow.

The guy, who is having difficulty speaking, then introduces some brownie-themed dessert. Apparently this is safer than an electric beater.

Actually, for the record, it's safer not to be a complete moron.

This has to be the stupidest thing I've ever seen. It's slapstick of the worst sort. Had someone with talent or flair directed this spot, they may have succeeded in executing it with some degree of panache.

So sad.

8.04.2004

Jaguar

Sorry for the dearth of updates. School has kept me busy and when I'm busy I can't watch television.

Today, though, I was shocked to discover an unlikely pair: Jaguar and Catwoman. I'm not sure how long these ads have been running, but I couldn't help but crack a derisive grin.

This is, after all, the same movie which has inspired quotes like

"A stinky hairball on the soiled rug of the summer blockbuster schedule, gruesome enough to have been ejected from the esophagus of Bill the Cat..."
-- John Beifuss, Commercial Appeal


and


"So bad that I actually recommend you see it. It's the movie you and your friends will rip on all summer long."
-- James Brundage, filmcritic.com


So you can imagine my surprise to see an arguably ruined actress and a mercilessly terrible movie being pimped alongside one of America's most lust-inspiring automobiles.

The ad, which depicts Halle Berry studying a Jaguar hood ornament in a decidedly feline way, enthuses in British tones that viewers can see some specific new model of Jag in Catwoman, which is in theatres now.

I don't think Jaguar's marketing people are stupid. I really don't. With the cost of entry for their cars being the astronomical figure that it is, Jag can afford smart people. A press release about the film gushes on about both parties in the digusting tone that press releases invariably take, as though it's all the most wonderful and exciting kitty-themed narrative ever produced.

They never saw it coming.

Just as the average, decent individual walking through a park never expects to step on a big, mushy pile of dog shit, so did Jaguar prance their way into associating with the worst movie since... well, Crossroads.