Dairy Queen

There are few creations on earth that have earned my complete and life-altering disdain. Members of this exclusive excrement club include Richard Simmons exercise videos and all those made-for-cable movies on Lifetime.

There's also Dairy Queen ads.

Few things can be accomplished in a mere thirty seconds to inspire my seething, murderous rage. Showing me a Dairy Queen ad, from any period in the last fifteen years, will do the trick.

I've never seen an ad that was creative or remotely enjoyable representing the contemptible Texas Stopsign that is that obnoxious Dairy Queen logo.

When I was a boy, Dennis the Menace and his assclown associates were the DQ poster children. Quite literally. He and his cronies were all over the in-store signage. The irrelevance of Dennis the Menace to softserve ice cream coupled with the overall shoddiness of their food products caused me much consternation.

Enough! I could fill a Sunday newspaper with charges of banality and criminal stupidity in response to the ads I've seen for DQ in my brief and afflicted life.

Instead, though, a screed about their most recent abomination.

A guy wants to enjoy some brownie batter. He shoves his tongue lasciviously into some electric beater blades.

And somehow manages to activate the device.

Shrieking ensues. For about ten seconds.

Wow.

The guy, who is having difficulty speaking, then introduces some brownie-themed dessert. Apparently this is safer than an electric beater.

Actually, for the record, it's safer not to be a complete moron.

This has to be the stupidest thing I've ever seen. It's slapstick of the worst sort. Had someone with talent or flair directed this spot, they may have succeeded in executing it with some degree of panache.

So sad.