Back from the dead. Briefly.

Though I no longer watch television ads, thus making the continued updating of this blog impossible, I did receive a fascinating E-Mail tonight which must be shared.

If you'd like to know what the sender is talking about, check out my post about Radio Shack.

Enjoy.

From: Knockout Queen
Subject: (no subject)
Date: December 29, 2004 19:15:57 EST
To: weeb@mac.com

I UNDERSTAND YOU SPEAKING YOUR MIND AND EVERYTHIG ITS COOL I REALLY DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT U TALK ABOUT BUT YOU DONT KNOW VANESSA WILLIAMS AND DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT HER SO KEEP HER NAME OUT YOUR SMART ASS COMMENTS SHE IS DOWN SHE IS JUST TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF HER FAMILY AND IF SHE GOT TO GET UP THERE AND DO A DUMB AD THEN FUCK IT LEST SHE IS KEEPIN HER KIDS FED AND HAPPY WHILE BENG PROMOTED ON TV AND LOOKING GOOD SO DONT HATE THIS IS FOR WHO EVER WROTE THAT DUMB COMMENT GOT A RESPONES HIT ME BACK AT MY E MAIL.

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From: weeb@mac.com
Subject: Re: (no subject)
Date: December 29, 2004 20:38:11 EST
To: Knockout Queen

Would it make you very happy if I removed that post from my weblog?

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From: Knockout Queen
Subject: Re: (no subject)
Date: December 29, 2004 20:42:00 EST
To: weeb@mac.com

yes thank u that would show your respect for vanessa and all her fans it was nice of u to answer to such a mean letter i do apoligize for the way i went at it i was very angry but yes that would be much better u would please alot of people around here and would not have to worrie about more emails like that

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From: weeb@mac.com
Subject: Re: (no subject)
Date: December 29, 2004 21:04:54 EST
To: Knockout Queen

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I won't deleting any posts from my blog. The Radio Shack bit was comedy gold and Vanessa Williams is a ripe target for my disdain. It's amusing to note that she has such vehement support in her fan base, and I'm glad I could ruffle some feathers. If it's any consolation, though, please note that this particular blog didn't have very many readers, so rest assured that my abuse of Ms. Williams wasn't widely proliferated.

Cheers.

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From: Knockout Queen
Subject: Re: (no subject)
Date: December 29, 2004 21:12:53 EST
To: weeb@mac.com

yeah yeah asshole aint nothin funny but your face so dont have shit else to said to me if you were'nt going to do it then why act like you are a good person when u know you just some dumb mutha fucka i dont care who saw it i hope vanessa sees it so she can find a way to get back at you and just to let you know if you going to be a comedian you got to be funny first when u be reading about herself one day hope you feel much better about yourself knowing this might not be me gettin talked about if i could have kept my mouth shut

Blogging is so much fun. Should I ever take it up again, I'll post a link right here.

DVR

You've noticed the silence.

I got a DVR recently.

I'm never, ever going to agonize over shitty advertising ever again.

Thank you and good night.

>>End Weblog<<

Depend on a Shock

It's very, very rare that an TV commercial can come entirely out of left field and wallop me across the face. By and large, I can accurately guess the direction of a spot within the first five seconds.

Picture, though, this little tickler:

A lady in her sixties, looking faux-energetic, beside a convertible talking about taking a road trip with her girlfriend.

Man, more diabetes paraphernalia, I thought, bathed in naivete.

But, no.

The ad continued, mentioning something about an active lifestyle. Cholesterol medication!

Not quite.

Finally, the ad's star gushes, "I use Depend Underwear!"

Whoa, Molly.

Never saw that one coming. Depend, of course, is a brand of adult diaper. Naturally, this old broad never made use of the word "diaper," but here at Ad hominem, we call a spade a spade.

I didn't know Depend advertised. I thought it was one of those things that everyone knew about but had the discretion not to mention. Like an extra-martital affair or some cookie dough caught in the direct path of a sneeze.

In any case, my innocence is lost to me. What the internet and pop culture could not take has been shattered by some old grandma wearing a diaper.

The Lexus Golden Opportunity Sales Event

Lexus ads don't stick out in my memory as particularly bothersome.

They also don't stick out as particularly genius.

Their marketing may have turned a corner. Recently I've had the pleasure of the spots trumpeting their "Golden Opportunity Sales Event" promotion. Each spot features an unlikely person proposing an even unlikelier business opportunity to a potential investor.

One spot seems to depict Las Vegas "founder" Bugsy Siegel, pitching the idea of swimming pools, resorts, and drive-up wedding chapels to another mob boss in the middle of a sandy desert. Another may portray Federal Express founder and then-Yale undergrad Frederick W. Smith, who proposes an overnight package shipping service to his professor. The last features Will Keith Kellogg, delicately presenting his "corn-flakes" to a board of suits.

Of course, all of these ideas are shot down, at which point Lexus swoops in and makes their point about not missing golden opportunities. This little campaign epitomizes what I look for in good advertising. Quick, simple, effective. It's a language, you know? Eloquence and persuasiveness go much further than brutish diction and unsupported assertions.

Winn Dixie

I try not to discuss regional marketing or entities -- I'd just be leaving out too much of my audience who live outside the region. It's limited enough as it is -- only those in North America can really get any take-away from this blog.

I'll make an exception in this case simply because my comments have more to do with business than advertising.

I saw a Winn Dixie ad the other day. Their slogan is "The real deal." Which is stupid, because at least their previous slogan "The beef people" was something that could be partially construed as true.

Winn Dixie has been in the news for its recent losses as a grocery retailer. It's closing some stores and distribution centers, quickly being marginalized by competitors who can offer "real deals" on food and other products.

There's a Winn Dixie two minutes from my apartment. Wal-Mart is 15 minutes away.

The funny thing is, my spending 13 extra minutes each way, I end up saving at least thirty dollars on my average grocery stock-up trip.

I shit you not.

Thirty dollars is a big deal to college students. That thirty dollars is immediately reinvested in more food, so as to keep myself nourished.

I will shed not a tear when Winn Dixie is eventually engulfed in its own debts. It's a wretched store. It's impossible shop there quickly. Even with their shoddy self-checkout lines, one can easily expect a ten minute wait to pay for whatever overpriced dreck one has chosen to buy there, no matter the time.

The sad thing in this little mess is the employees drawing paychecks and the small businesses that congregate around Winn Dixie stores hoping to siphon off their business. Across the street from my Winn Dixie is a ghost shopping center, populated more and more by vagrants and debris. The Winn Dixie plaza is sure to suffer a similar fate.

Say. Holler for managerial incompetence.

WiFi @ Best Buy

You know that Best Buy ad where the marionette puppet walks into the store and gets a hard-on when he learns about their wireless internet gadgets?

You know, the one that was cute for the first five times but now makes you wretch with fury each time you see it? Or maybe that's just me.

In any case, I really wish they would make it go away. Particularly now that they're slapping on additional advertising to the end of the spot. I can't stand when ads get repurposed long after they've gone stale. It's classless. It's the equivalent of wearing the same fetid clothing every day for a week -- except for changing your hat each morning.

800-CALL-ATT

When is AT&T going to cut out this Carrot Top shit?

I'm not going to gratify these ads with a description here. Most everyone has seen these at least once in the last two or so years.

It's not that Carrot Top isn't funny. He's actually, by all accounts, a pretty darn good comedian. He comes across as an obnoxious ass on television, but those who see his Vegas show hold it in amusing regard.

It's just that these ads, which are painfully trying to be funny, are hitting nowhere near the mark. Honestly, it's a losing battle. 800-CALL-ATT is awkward to remember. When people get stuck in the situation that requires them to make a collect call, you know what they're going to do? They're going to remember MCI's 1-800-COLLECT because that's just easy and requires very little thought and recollection.

AT&T should save its money and just shoot some video of a whiteboard with their little collect number scrawled on it. Better use of my time.

Ameritrade

Stewart is back!

During the dot-com boom era, electronic stock trading companies were big business. Along with this big business came big advertising. A favorite was for Ameritrade, an online broker whose ads featured a red-haired fellow named Stewart. Though he was a consummate slacker, Stewart's technical skill was unimpeachable. The early Ameritrade ads featured Stewart guiding his boss, "Mr. P," through the simple and fun process of investing in securities over the internet.

This campaign was wildly successful, with Bill Clinton's 2000 White House Press Dinner short movie featuring a brief spoof on the ads featuring Stewart himself.

The best news I've had since power came back came to me in a new Ameritrade ad this afteroon.

Stewart and Mr. P are back!

Today, the student surpassed the master, as Mr. P taught Stewart about an all new investing service offered by the brokerage. Stewart was duly impressed.

It's easy to screw up an ad like this, but I found it enjoyable. It was like meeting up with old friends, seeing such a happy reminder of our days of dot-com innocence.

Thanks, Ameritrade.

Geico, redux

I'm going to have to retract a little of my irritation with Geico.

Over the powerless weekend, I was using my battery powered radio as sole means of entertainment. I heard an ad that went something like this, regarding a mattress factory.

"No payments, no interest until 2017!"

My interest was piqued. I need a new mattress. Mine really hurts my back and shoulders. The ad continued about the wildly low mattress prices.

"How can we offer such low prices? Someone who shall remain nameless ordered way too much inventory! But now you can save money thanks to our incompetence!"

I grinned. Heh. I was about time they developed a sense of humor about these sorts of sales ads.

"But, I do have some good news," the boisterous announcer continued to boom. "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico."

I paused.

Huh?

Man, finally someone lampooning those stupid Geico ads. Wait, can they do that for commercial purposes?

As I began to scratch my head, the signature Geico music came up on the radio.

Fuck.

I'd been had!

Fine. Kudos, Geico. You got me.